Becoming Ignatian...

Life is not the beginning and death is not the total end-I still remember the words of my parish priest, I heard as a small child.

Life is a journey of thousand miles………….. And on this long journey there are several small little journeys’s that we undertake.
Jesuit-way of living is one such unique intermediate journey’s we undertake.  Thus I call it a Journey within a Journey. This journey of life includes a search. A search for meaning, a search for one’s owns roots and a search for one’s future. I remember  some time ago, presenting my seminar paper, I began saying at the 25^th  year of my life on this planet earth, I get struck by the hardest question of my life…. Where did I come from and where am I going……..

Friends I am sure atleast some of us have this question, deep in our lives.

Life of Ignatius:

Was the last of 13 children, mostly pet one in the family. At the age of 6, he leaves his house to get to the castle. Which means his childhood has gone on disciplining his  own emotions. Was very natural person as he was very much behind the world; wealth and women, and wine. Was very manly, would never give up. In the war of Pamplona, when the commander planed to surrender, he says at least for the honour, we must fight.all that happened later is a history.

 There came a breakdown in the life of Ignatius. A courageous soldier turns out to be a fragile, weak structure of flesh and bones.  Remember –GOD NEVER WASTES A BREAKDOWN. He was a restless person, which made him read those books-Life of Christ and Life of Saints. He asked himself, if they can become saints-why can’t I?     Possibly he was a person, as I sense would decide when he is high on emotions.

As I said earlier…… God never wastes a breakdown; Ignatius made a conscious effort towards a new life. Person who would always run after the glory of the world, started to denounce. Surprisingly- his offers his sword at the chapel of Montserrat…. A person, who always wanted special dress, wears an old sack clothe and moves out into the world.

Ignatius started to look within. He also started to realize his inner most self. He began a journey within himself. In other words, to say he started to live his own life…… or started to be true to himself.  And then slowly his concentration moves towards other worldly things…… what exactly was happening to Ignatius? He was moving towards transcendence. Experiences at Manresa,at the River Cardoner, strengthened his journey towards transcendence. This didn’t make him merely a man of imaginations, rather he took new steps to implement his experience into life, as he attended classes, built friendships, went begging…. etc. As the time passed he started to feel one with the world around. And that’s how he comes up with the Idea-God in all things.

He was also a man of new thinking and of strong determination. He would never give up. Life taught him to be a person of discernment..

Our life:

We all came from small little families. I think we had a normal child hood like any other, where we played, fought, laughed, felt loved and rejected, won and lost. We have gone through possibly all those things which a normal person goes through in his/her life. Some where along the way, when we were teenagers, we made a decision to become Jesuits. Possibly we were not sure what this life really was.

 Till then life was moving in one direction and there came something new and different. Naturally, our prenovitiate directors  are people who aim high and perfection. Thus they try to feed all the new thinking in a months time of two. Thus there is a great possibility, person might get confused, as that is the beginning of logical thinking and two lives are not coinciding. Life becomes so complicated that we forget  to remember, that the Jesuit journey is an ordinary human journey with a difference. Thus quite often Jesuit in a bud, learns to live an ideal life without the inner repair. Thus disparity comes in the person.

 Thank God we have novitiate, we have time to reflect and pause and look at our inner self and try to mend our ways to the life of the society. Novitiate is a time, where re-socialization in one’s life takes place. It all depends on how much a person has invested himself. Now can we expect the novice to be a perfect Jesuit?

 A person out from there, starts looking for meaning in life.  The question of identity also rises here. When we were at home we had an identity of our own……. And here the strong question comes in as a scholastic enters the college- Whom do I belong to? He wants to have a girl friend…. That’s normal. Isn’t it? Also lots of confusion of, what identity to project in the college……. An the one hand, I want to keep the Jesuit identity and on the other, I want to be  like others- smart, cozy, elite and we start hiding our Jesuit identity to the extent possible. Contradiction already enters into one’s life.

As people move forward, comes the other serious doubt- Who am I in the Society? Thus now, possibly people are busy building their own identity within the Society. Many a times, goal becomes the thing of greatest importance. We are busy building an image for others to see, forgetting our true selves.

            O this way, while building one’s own identity, many lose motivation and a reason to live as a Jesuit. Sartre- beautifully explains about life: If you have a Why to live, You will live any how. Many also lose their true self, in the fear of report or feedback.

As we move on we realize that we are religious leaders and the question again- do I really believe in God at all? Even if yes- what kind of a God. So slowly people start to thinking upon serious questions of religious life. Some give up this quest,Some continue to be Jesuits in external terms, some others try to understand the image of God for them. I personally believe the concept, approach towards God is different from individual to individual. Thus depending on one’s search, either we become committed a Jesuit or an idol worshipper.

 Many a times we don’t grow much in the society.We live in communities; with seniors.We often start thinking that we shall do great works when we grow old or we think that we are still juniors.  Thus I personally believe, we fail to compete with the people of our own age outside. This also results in building walls against others in lives:

I remember the beautiful piece from Geetanjali where the Prisoner is asked, who bound you ? and he answers, ‘I myself.’

 The struggle and the search continues to be our true self. As the time passes and we get responsibilities, in the society like Head Masters, Principals, Dow’s etc. Now if a person has not found his identity in his personal life, he will try to hold on to the identity of his post. We become principals and headmasters losing our real selves.

Amidst all this, deep down there remains some kind of a striving. That comes from our roots, from the place we have come from. Ignatius precisely gives the call to know our relation with the nature around. He was someone who understood cosmic plan. If all came from one point, then there is a relation.  A Jesuit, who is deeply in touch with himself, will be able to move beyond the immediate.  We are all ordinary people called to be different.

 Teilhard de Chardin- speaks of all world moving towards the omega point. He gives the idea- that everything is changing and moving towards something. Jesuit- an ordinary human with a difference, has the responsibility to take the world with him towards this point.

Now as I visualize a Jesuit:

• A Jesuit needs a good friend.  Men outside have wives to understand them. You definitely need someone who understands us, possibly a good friend.  Many a  times, Jesuit, when he returns at the end of the day, hardly finds someone to share his joys and struggles.
• Nishkamakarma:  Work, work and work. One day you had lot of work, you are dead tired, you can’t think of sitting. Next day morning you will have to move back. Thus without expecting the fruit, Jesuit is expected to work.
• Quite often we have no one really to motivate. We need to be self motivators.
• Need to learn to be lonely. We cut ourselves from the normal life style. Somewhere we need to learn to accept this loneliness as a part of life. I remember one of my professors, sharing about his experience: One day, after he was priest, he went home. Everybody gathered. They had a nice meal. His brother, brothers wife, mother (father was no more). Had a good recreation. Brothers children were having lots of fun and were very friendly with him. As it was 8.30 p.m. slowly brother and his wife moved into their personal rooms. Ailing mother sat with him for some more time and then she too got into her room and he remained alone in the portico. It was then he says, he came to accept the reality and the unavoidable of one’s own life.

• We need certain amount of dynamism- as we are leaders. Thus first of all we need to believe in ourselves and need to assert ourselves.
• I think we have to always remember the Words of St Augustine, ‘we are not human beings with a spiritual experience rather we are spiritual beings with a human experience’.
• Jesuit is also someone who learns to balance life. Quite often there will be clash of values and ego. When a authorities order, When one is doing well and people blame me, when no one understands one needs strength to balance.
• Need a core experience which will give you a reason to live. It is when I went for my mission experience in the novitiate, to a remote village in North Karnataka, I met a boy of the age nine. He was under bonded labour.On one fine morning he came and asked me, Brother, I to want to study; I too want to be like others; Will you help me…? I had no answer for him. But it gave me a reason to live.
• There will be a continuing struggle for transcendence. A Jesuit should be person deeply in touch with oneself.

CONCLUSION:

It’s indeed a gift to be the follower of Jesus in the Ignatian Discerning way. I personally believe this would help me fulfill the purpose of my creation that is to praise, revere and praise Christ in all things. I wish I become those simple human beings with a difference.